Hugs from the Doomed Jugs

More about how MS and cancer hang out

Warning- if you are struggling with cancer, know someone who is struggling with cancer or have lost someone to cancer, you may not find this blog amusing.  Please know that I’m not minimizing cancer at all.  It’s just how I deal. 

BUT, if you have kicked cancer’s ass, you may find this hysterical.

This cancer thing has gotten real.  At first it was one little, new spot with a great prognosis.    A little day surgery, a little radiation, no big deal.

That’s what I heard anyway.  And what my multiple sclerosis brain heard.  Cancer, no biggie.  What’s there to freak out about??

Everyone said I was brave- how could I not be worried?  I appreciated their compliments.  I like being brave.  I feel like I’m kicking MS ass, so why not kick cancer ass too??

But it turns out, I wasn’t brave- I was MS cognitively defunct.  Cancer is scary you big MS dummy and this could really suck. 

Upon closer inspection one spot turned to two, day surgery turned to 1-3 days hospitalization and radiation is off the table and the dreaded C word is uttered.  No not cancer, chemo!!

(How much cognitive damage does MS have to give you for you to be more afraid of the chemo word than the cancer word.)

But the chemo is not definite, both spots are still small, and the prognosis is still excellent.  Things are just going to suck for a while.

Ultimately, I made the decision to remove both breasts and begin the work to get new ones.  I dealt with this by thinking hey, free boob job!  I never really liked my boobs too much anyway.

But when the brain fog cleared, I had to face the reality of how much poking and prodding and medical stuff was going to transpire.

(I may not be able to take a real shower for weeks!  I don’t even know how to take a sponge bath.)

I think I liked the brain fog better.

Suddenly my jugs are in the forefront of my mind.

Last week at church I was leaving the ladies room and entering the tiny hallway outside of it.  The elderly man in the hall didn’t see me and, in his eagerness to get of the way of the lady entering the hall across from me, he moved, swinging his arms and punching me right in the left breast.  The one that is still somewhat ok.

Several days later I was trying to chop something and the knife in my hand flew up and came crashing down on the counter, just missing my right breast.  If it hadn’t missed I probably would have saved my insurance company some money- do it yourself home mastectomy.

I swear I’m not making up either of these stories.

Still, I’m determined to face this challenge with humor and by doing all that I’m supposed to.  I learned on my MS journey that it’s important to follow doctor’s orders but sometimes the orders are confusing.  You have to decipher the meanings of what they tell you in a way conducive to your own treatment plan.

Here are some things I’ve discovered.  For this list the doctor’s recovery instruction is in italics and my translation is in bold lettering.

No driving for 3 weeks

Limo service is a must!

This is when you need to rely on your friends

Party time!!

Ask them to bring you food so you don’t have to cook

Guys, pick up a pizza on your way

They’ll be happy to help

Hey Ben and Jerry, I’ll be here all week- whichever times work best for you.

And keep hydrated

Stock up on Pino Grigio beforehand.

A recliner can help with the healing as it will keep your chest elevated.

Time to buy new furniture per doctor’s orders!  Will insurance cover a sectional with a recliner built in?

You need to rest and relax as much as possible, no strenuous housework.

Hey friend, would you clean my bathroom for me?

But Yvonne your surgery was six months ago.

Didn’t you see the note where I’m not supposed to do strenuous housework after surgery?????

(True story- I actually got of gym for 6 weeks in the 8th grade with one doctor’s note saying I had swollen glands. If you remember the horror of gym in the 8th grade you know what a feat that was. If I can manage that at age 13 who knows what I can get out of now!!!!)

All of this is to tell you that while I will kick cancer’s butt, I may be out of the blogging loop for a bit.  I’ll try to post repeats here and there but don’t worry if you don’t hear from me for a while.  I will likely be resting, reclining, and conjuring up all kinds of new MS weirdness with perhaps some cancer weirdness thrown in!

And don’t worry about me losing my sense of humor.  True to the spirit of using humor to heal, some friends threw me a “goodbye to your boobs” party.  One friend baked me this delicious boob cake, Hershey’s kiss nipple idea courtesy of her 16 year old daughter, and another wrote me a boob poem.  So, for your amusement, here is a boob poem written just for me, and now for all of you.

Two Boobie or Not To Boobie, that is the Question

By Kristin Perry 

A Boob by any other name is what?

Tits?

Maminhas?

Two ways to get black eyes if you run?

No.

They are a way to feed a child then and now.

And a way to entertain a grown up child.

But will losing them make a difference?

Hummm, think of the advantages…

No more “over the shoulder bolder holders” for a while.

You may get to decide what size you want.

No sagging boobies.

You don’t have to worry about rolling up and tucking in the boobs when you get to old.

And you can actually say you have balloons in your your body that you didn’t swallow.

But I digress…

You can do this.

You are strong, independent and a hell of a woman.

Boobs don’t make the woman,

They just give the guy a few more minutes to do his job.

One more thing friends-something I’m looking forward too as I recover is delving more into this anthology, When Bodies Break. I know it will offer a lot of inspiration and support as what I have read thus far has been fabulous!!  It’s totally worth checking it out yourselves as it’s available on Amazon and all proceeds from the sales go to the Benaroya Research Institute. 

Thank you all for your support.  You guys rock!!!!!!