Coming Down Again, the Tube that is!

Major Radioactive Insanity

Someone near and dear to me is having an MRI soon.  They’ve had MRI’s before, but this one is with contrast and it’s not even to look at MS lesions! 

I thought contrast was ONLY to look at MS lesions.  Who knew that radiologists would inflict such a weird thing as an intravenous dye into other patients besides just patients with the weird disease of multiple sclerosis? 

Maybe that’s why they didn’t color the dye orange, the official MS color?  They likely didn’t want to exclude other conditions and diagnoses if they were going to be shoothing this stuff into people with all kinds of ailments.

Anyway, I feel like MS sometimes limits my ability to be helpful to others.  Not always of course, I have lots and lots of good gifts to offer.  But in this case, one thing I can offer is experience and I sure have experience on the subject of having an MRI! 

And so, even though this is a repeat post, I thought it was time to review it before my loved one’s MRI and for all of you to remember if you have this fun test coming up in the near future.

And if you’re still with me after this post, read on for my rant that has me furious with one of the world’s most beloved companies.  

Lessons from an MRI

2013 started in my world with two afternoons of MRI’s, my fifth set since my body started tingling all over, and not in a good way.   You would think that having previously undergone four MRI’s in a three year period, I would know what to expect.  And since I’m generally not claustrophobic, the process wouldn’t be that horrible.   But each time I walk in, I have completely forgotten lessons learned in the past and its like I’m having this test for the first time.

This year, however, I got smart and thought to write down the things I learned so that I will be better prepared for the sixth MRI series.  And since I will forget where I put this list, I am publishing it here so that maybe some of you can remind me of these lessons when I need them.  Feel free to adopt any of these yourself if you are about to be shot down the tube.

The technologists will tell you that MRI is an abbreviation for Magnetic Resonance Imaging.  They are lying.  MRI is actually short for “Major Radioactive Insanity.”  Major, because while there really isn’t any pain involved, while you are stuck in the tube it feels like a really big deal.

And do not let the technologists tell you any different, there is some sort of radioactivity involved.  If there wasn’t, why would you have to wait for the green sign to light up before you enter the room?  The way the technologists freak out if you step just a little too closely to the door while the light is red, there has got to be some type of radio something or other going on.  Radioactivity, radio frequency, Sirrus satellite radio, whatever.  It is radio something and it is serious.

And insanity?  Yes, what goes through your mind while you are in there is nothing if not insane.

Ladies, you cannot wear a bra.  Even if you know for sure that there’s no metal anywhere in or on your bra, there is, somewhere.  The little hooks or the synthetic material of a sports bra have microscopic bits of metal in them.   Even if you happen to be a 34A and wearing a light cotton/lace thingy with mesh hooks, you need to take it off; if only out of respect for those of us who must wear underwire over the shoulder boulder holders.

 

Go to the bathroom before starting the test.  Once beginning the test, keep reminding yourself you do not need to pee again.  You really don’t.  It is just part of the insanity, this bladder mirage.

If you panic that maybe the technologists have forgotten you in the machine and left for the day, don’t push the panic button to check.   It will only delay the time you are stuck there and really, really annoy them.  And trust me; you don’t want the technologists annoyed with you until after the MRI is over.

If you get super bored, don’t push the panic button just for something to do.  They don’t like that either.

If you think you might seriously panic about being stranded (this particular panic occurs to me during the brain MRI when they actually have to lock my head into the MRI vise), then take their car keys and lock them in your assigned locker.   You won’t be able to take the locker key into the tube with you (its metal), but you can hide it somewhere in the outer room and then kill the time in the tube trying to remember where you hid the key.  At least it will be hidden from the techs so that they can’t leave until they bring you out and you have all searched for the locker key you so carefully hid.

If, while your brain rambles during the test, you get a sudden desire to reach out to an ex-boyfriend, ex- boss, ex- party buddy, ex- friend, or ex- roommate, don’t do it as soon as you get your phone back.  This is another MRI mirage.  If contacting your ex anything wasn’t a good idea before you went into the tube, it is DEFINITELY not a good idea once you get out.

 

If your doctor orders something called “contrast,” at some point the technologist will slide you out of the machine and inject ink into your body. This does not mean that later in the day you will spit, sweat, pee or cry pretty colors, which is a total bummer.  I hoped to create my own MRI/MS Rorschach print. Damn, you just can’t have any fun with MS.

 

Speaking of bodily fluids, you still don’t have to pee.  Well, ok, by now you probably do.   Try to ignore this fact.  You won’t be able to ignore it but trying to will at least give you something else to do until the test is over.

The MRI takes five hours.  It doesn’t really, but if you think that it does before you go in, the actual time it takes will be a little more bearable.

You will be able to keep your socks on.  If you choose to do this, make sure your socks have non skid, gripper soles, like the kind they put on little kids feetie pajamas.  If you don’t, when you are finally free to go you may likely be so excited to get out of there that your socks slip, causing you to slide across the floor, bang your head on the table you just go off of, and have to repeat the whole process all over again to see what damage you have just caused your brain in your excitement to get off the table.

At least the base line tests will already be done.

(So, no, I didn’t actually hit my head on the table when I slid across the floor.  But I came close and MUST remember feetie socks next time.)

Finally, the biggest MRI lesson is that if the technologist gives you a disc to take to your doctor, never, ever look at it without your doctor present.  If you do, you will be convinced that you have the spine of a frog, and the brain of Frankenstein which will cause you to enter into a state of depression the whole week until your appt where your doctor will tell you that what you were actually looking at was an old Rorschach test you happened to have hanging around your disc drive.

Happy insanity, ooops, I mean imaging, everyone.

 

Rant

According to Yahoo news last week, Selma Blair rocked DWTS and judge Carrie Ann Inaba mentioned how touched she was as a fellow member of the invisible illness community.

I would have loved to watch myself, as another member of “the invisible illness community” and as a fan of DWTS. I’ve always talked about the show with others and cheered various contestants with particular struggles, keeping a running tab on Jack Osbourne’s performances, another person with multiple sclerosis. But this year, Disney, the parent company of ABC has chosen to only air DWTS on its Disney+ channel.

Hey Disney, here’s some news, having an illness is expensive and many people in the invisible illness community can’t work full or even part time, and can’t afford all the expensive premium channels out there, including yours. To take a popular show with high ratings and after years insist people pay for it is just wrong. Especially when you feature a role model such as Ms. Blair this season.

 

Having so many channels premiere such great content on free networks, only to be told at the end of the content that the show is available only on a paid channel is obnoxious. But to have a long running free show now aired on a paid channel and then feature a role model for a community consisting of many who can’t afford that channel is just offensive and to me, another sign that Disney’s wholesomeness is rooted first and foremost in the almighty dollar and will do whatever it needs to get the most bang for it’s buck, however and wherever it can.

Ms. Blair, I hope you continue to do well on the show and in life. But Disney, I hope this season’s DWTS gamble fails miserably……