Crasher

A new multiple sclerosis mode of being

And then there’s Crasher.

You KNOW Crasher.  I know you do.  Deny it if you want but I bet you’ve got the bruises to prove it.

Crasher is not Crasher as in “I’m so wiped out. I’m just going to go crash for the next five days,” although if it was, that would be a good Crasher.

And no, Crasher is not responsible for crashing the best parties or events, crashing them early, while the alcohol is still free.  Oh, how I wish that was the Crasher I’m talking about.

No, Crasher is yet another multiple sclerosis symptom that takes over your whole body and turns you into a whole other mode of being.

I’ve mentioned some of these before.

There is the child I have written about.

“Daddy- I need to go potty RIGHT NOW!”

This child intersects with the grandmotherly little old lady.  “Can you get me a sweater dear?  I’m just going to drink my tea and rest my legs for a bit.”  (The Curious Case of Multiple Sclerosis Part I)

There is Oscar- content to be mean, grouchy and if necessary, to hide away in our personal trash cans in order to protect those around us from our green, foul mood.  (Call Me Oscar)

There is the zombie mode- shuffling about and existing as one of the super undead.  (A Zombie Goes Down the MRI Tube)

Speaking of super, resembling but quite different from the zombie mode is Super Blah- a super hero of utmost strength of unthought and undetermination.  Capable of coming up with no thoughts of your own and if any thoughts do arise, they probably aren’t even made up of real words but fake ones like unthought and undetermination.  (Super Blah)

But now, I have finally accepted and proudly outed- Crasher!

Before this, the Crasher mode was just called clumsy, something I had been my whole life.

As a child, a real child not an adult in MS child mode, I was always covered in bruises, mostly from falling off of stuff I climbed to prove I wasn’t clumsy.

On a high school ski trip the instructor pointed to a tree way to the left of me on the beginner trail and said, “you’re not going to ski into that tree are you?”  I assured him I wouldn’t just seconds before I promptly did.

(Okay- that didn’t really happen to me.  It actually happened to a friend of mine but it certainly could have been me if I wasn’t already sliding down the bunny slope on my butt.  But it was too good an example not to share.)

At the best job I ever had my coworkers took to calling me “Grace” as I tripped around the office, dropping files left and right..

So it was not surprising that desperate for comfort upon learning of my multiple sclerosis diagnosis I asked the neurologist if MS was the reason I was so clumsy.  My friend giggled when the doctor replied “absolutely not.”

But that was five years ago and things that we know about MS have drastically changed.  And here is one thing I do know about MS– it completely, unequivocally, absolutely ramps up my clumsiness!

It ramps it up so much that my clumsiness becomes it’s own persona, way tougher than “Grace.”  “Grace” will no longer do.  Crasher is definitely more like it.

Clumsy is as clumsy does and in my world, what clumsy does is cover me with bruises sometimes just walking across my living room.

Crasher shows up when I am particularly fatigued physically but also incredibly stubborn mentally.

On these days, when I refuse to give into the tiredness and try to go about my world, that’s when I turn into Crasher, tripping, dropping things, throwing things, walking into things, etc.

When I’m perfectly calm and without provocation suddenly throw something I’m holding across the room, that’s Crasher.

When I stub my little toe on the coffee table leg three or four times in one day, that’s Crasher.

And when I walk into a wall just because it’s there?  You guessed it- it’s Crasher.

When I unexpectedly fall and crash into the ground? Let’s say it together-Crasher.

Before I totally blamed the Crasher persona on MS, I decided I needed to know the truth on this one. Was that early neurologist I saw five years ago correct?

I am stubborn and so I decided to do some research. I am proud to report that what I discovered was that she was WRONG!!

Right away I found a website (The McFox.com) that described an early MS symptom as “uncharacteristic clumsiness.”  What does “uncharacteristic” mean to you?  To me, it means I’m blaming MS!

Just one website didn’t seem conclusive enough and so I researched further. (I was likely in one of my random “think I’ll goof off on the web modes”- a cross between the zombie persona and Super Blah.)

I found that HealthyWomen.org talks about the MS symptom of balance and coordination problems although it would seem to me to be more of a lack of coordination problem but who I am to disagree with the web.

And MerckManuals.com refers to “clumsiness of leg or hand” as one of the many symptoms of multiple sclerosis.

So there you have it, Crasher is yet another multiple sclerosis personality that we MS’ers must accept.  MS’ers are starting to have more personalities than Sybil.

But don’t fret, I’m used to Crasher.  The awkwardness of my growing up years has prepared me well.

I’m used to being covered with so many bruises that I look like rotten fruit.

I’m used to tripping on air- I’ve almost perfected it actually.

And I’m used to crashing- both into things and crashing as in resting after I have crashed into things.

I’m tough. Crasher is no match for me!

But the greatest comfort I take from this knowledge? Ha first neurologist- I was right!

And I didn’t even go to medical school!

 

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