Laugh Lines

Laugh, Smile, Grin, Grimace-You Choose-

Have you talked to him since the last time you talked to him?  Me

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men   Roald Dahl

There’s no prices on anything.  How do you know how much anything is?                    My mom, at the Dollar Store

I’m too tired to sleep   Yvonne deSousa

Dear turkeys, don’t worry.  They only love us for our breasts too.                     Sincerely, women     jokes4us.com

Mirror, mirror on the wall- WTF happened?  Anonymous

Scientists reportedly discovered a so called ‘off switch off’ for pain. I discovered that years ago.  It’s called wine.  Henry Hamblin

My MS is not your MS and your MS is weird  Yvonne deSousa

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.   Fortune Cookie

How do you make it holy water?  Boil the hell out of it!  Anonymous

There’s a library at the playground?!  Lexi (age 6) 

Me- Thank you for coming to my talk tonight Miss Etta.       Etta (age 6)- I had   nowhere else to go!

Sometimes I wonder “why is that frisbee getting bigger?”                                        Then it hits me.         Author Unknown

I don’t feel old.  In fact, I don’t feel anything at all until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.   Bob Hope

I’ve been soaking up drink like a sponge….  Jagger/Richards

If someone breaks your heart, punch them in the face.  Seriously.  Punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.   Frank Ocean

Why didn’t the MS patient cross the road?  Couldn’t get up the  nerve                  Henry Hamblin

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.  She’s ninety-seven now and we don’t know where the hell she is    Ellen DeGeneres

They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?    Princess Diana

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper   Jerry Seinfeld

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They can be seen in the church basement Saturday          Church Bulletin

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict       Church Bulletin

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet.  Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed accomanied by the Pastor”      Church Bulletin

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.   Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough          Lynette, age 8

If you’re going through hell, keep going  Winston Churchill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do    Isaac Asimov

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt   Abraham Lincoln

Don’t let worry kill you- let the Church help    Church Bulletin

 The trouble with mornings is that they come when you are not awake 

Author Unknown

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement               Ronald Reagan

A cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree   Spike Milligan

 Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing     Robert Benchley

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too    Greg,  age 8

  Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at side entrance        Church Bulletin

What memory section?   Yvonne deSousa 

Remember Danny-two wrongs don’t make a right but three rights make a left  Chevy Chase/Caddyshack

I’v said it before, this is all I can do.  I’m a lousy plumber   Keith Richards

Conversation between two sisters with relapsing/remitting regarding an MS pizza social-

  “Do you know if it is a sitdown type of thing?”     Laurie

“I hope so!  It is for people with MS after all!  Would they make us stand up to eat  pizza?”   Yvonne

 

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!    

Dr. Seuss

Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine  Elvis Presley

I don’t understand.  All my life I’ve been waiting for someone and when I find her, she’s…..she’s a fish  Splash

Doing nothing is very hard to do-you never know when you’re finished 

Leslie Nielson

Never give up!   Remember, Moses was a basket case           Church Sign

I feel like I am taking crazy pills   Zoolander

I didn’t say it was your fault.  I said I was going to blame it on you anyway   Author Unknown

Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine  

Whoopi Goldberg

The number-one fear in life is public speaking, and the number-two fear is death.  This means that if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than giving the eulogy  Jerry Springfield

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.  We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays.  I go Fridays   Henry Youngman

Think left and think right and think low and think high.  Oh, the thinks you can think up if you only try    Dr. Seuss

Sermon this morning-Jesus Walks on the Water.  Sermon tonight-searching for Jesus     Church Bulletin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away-  Tom Waits

 Demented and sad, but social     The Breakfast Club

                            The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they are ok, then it’s you   Author Unknown

 Why is it that lemonade is made with artificial flavoring but diswashing detergent is made with real lemons?   Author Unknown

If you’re ever attacked by a bunch of clowns, go for the juggler   Author Unknown

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt              Mark Twain

A child of five would understand this.  Send someone to fetch a child of five    Groucho Marx

If you can’t convince them, confuse them            Harry S. Truman

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.  Some come from ahead and some come from behind.  But I’ve bought a big bat.  I’m all ready you see.  Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me      Dr. Seuss

I need glasses to find my glasses      Dottie B.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary-it’s the stupid ones that need advice    Bill Cosby

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering       Steven Wright

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me        Noel Coward

I’m normal. It’s everyone else that’s weird          Author Unknown

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh since there is less cleaning up to do afterwards    Kurt Vonnegut

I’ll tell you. I know what I mean    Laurie deSousa

I haven’t exacerbated since high school                           My Odd Sock

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it               W.C. Fields

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes    Author Unknown

I was going to buy a copy of the power of positive thinking and then I thought: what the hell good would that do?    Ronnie Shakes

I’m trying to read a book on how to relax but I keep falling asleep    Author Unknown

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes              Jack Handey

I never thought I was wasted but I probably was   Keith Richards

The opening line of my letter from Tony Blair was “Dear Keith, you’ve always been one of my heroes…”   England’s in the hands of somebody who I’m a hero of?   It’s frightening    Keith Richards

There has to be some thin plot line, although in a lot of my songs you’d be very hard-pressed to find it       Keith Richards

He just rocks!    Yvonne deSousa talking about Keith Richards