It’s official- Spring is here. And I am probably the only person in the world who is not happy about it. The rest of you are lying to yourselves about how wonderful the arrival of Spring is. To me, what Spring really means (think of this in the singsong voice of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz), “heat, and pollen and bathing suits, oh my!” None of which I am excited about.
The heat and pollen completely do me in medically speaking and only serve to make me long for the cool days of Fall and Winter when it is perfectly acceptable to curl up under a blankie with a good book and a cup of tea. Unfortunately, that cup of tea also includes a cookie or two which is why I must throw in the bathing suit part of my dread.
How do I know Spring is here? Is it the weather? Of course not. I live in New England and it was seventy degrees last week with a chance of snow for the following weekend. Is it the ridiculous looking daffodils that shot up on the sides of roads and yards as soon as one March day’s temperature hit over 40 degrees? Everyone sees the yellow and white blooms and begins to remark how lovely the flowers are, even as they sneeze and sniffle away.
“What a joyous reminder of the change of seasons we have,” say those jaded Spring loving fools.
Many can look at the daffodils and see their sappy little faces just oozing smiles and grins.
“We have sprouted and we are so beautiful,” they seem to gloat.
I just want to bring out my scissors and chop their happy little heads off. Right before I run to the store to buy more tissues and allergy drugs.
Crucially important disclaimer. While I honestly admit that I want to chop off the heads of the happy little buds whenever I see them, with one hand on the Bible as I type I SWEAR that I did not actually cut the daffodils in my friend’s yard. I may enjoy fantasizing about early flower homicide but I would never actually commit such violence. My deepest sympathies go out to my friend who is still mourning her flower loss and bad season vibes to the person who committed the vandalism. May pollen forever coat your car you real flower killer.
But again, how do we in Cape Cod know when Spring finally arrives? For some maybe it is the influx of traffic on our local roads complete with construction to tie up those roads. Construction that begins right about the time everyone decides to leave their homes after a winter hibernation and get out and enjoy the unlovely air.
Is it the sounds of businesses opening or the lack of sound of complaints about the people who frequent those seasonal businesses?
No. For me what made it official that Spring is here was this- today I found a dead carpenter ant on my kitchen floor. That, like no other sign lets me know that I am in for it. This dead ant is a warning of great trouble to come. I don’t know how he died and why he chose to die in my kitchen but I can correctly assume that he has lots of friends that will come looking for him.
I am a Christian and believe that God created all things, even happy looking ridiculous daffodils that sprout too early and annoying bugs that invade my home. But why do they have to invade my home? You don’t see me going to their house and collapsing on their little ant hill floor. I know the Bible that I have just put down says that I am to care for all creatures and feed them when they are hungry.
Ok, I am good with that. Hey ants, tell me what food you like best and I will deliver it. Brownies? Sure, I will surround a trail around your little ant hill. Chips? Absolutely. Barbecue, sour cream and onion or just plain?
Are you healthy bugs? I have a ton of veggies lying around I am supposed to be eating but would be happy to share with you-outside. Spilled drinks? Name your favorite-lemonade, Kool-aid, oj, milk- whatever and I will pour it all over my yard. Whatever you want just stay out of my home, at least until you help pay the rent.
The Bible also says you must shelter those who are homeless. Fine, I will build you little bug shelters around my yard, hey even around the daffodils that an old tenant planted, giving you a nice happy view. I just don’t want to throw you a party in my living room. I have enough trouble walking without tripping. Worrying about stepping on you dead or alive is just too much trouble. You gross me out and, like the flowers, remind me that my least favorite season is here.
After I try to get rid of you I will need to pull out my AC and fans, dust the pollen from everywhere daily, do errands first thing in the morning to avoid crowds and in complete terror try on my bathing suit in case I ever happen to get enough energy to actually hit the beach.
Ahhh, the beach. The colors of the water are especially gorgeous right now. And, since it isn’t that hot yet and the mosquitoes and green heads haven’t arrived, maybe I can actually enjoy hanging on the beach for a bit before the real humidity sets in. And hey, since my MS feet have gotten used to the “sand in my toes” tingly symptom, maybe I can actually walk on the beach and get some exercise.
Ok, so maybe there are one or two perks to this least favorite season of mine. Dead bugs and overly zealous flowers are not among them however. Quick, find me some bugspray and garden clippers and let’s get through it.
Photos by Barbara Eppich Struna